History

To study and appreciate history is in part to appreciate the parts that people play in shaping it. even the smallest pair of hands have the ability to shape the course of the future. For instance, we need no reminders but get many nevertheless of how the Old Guard Leaders of the PAP like Lee Kuan Yew, Goh Keng Swee and Toh Chin Chye had to build our nation from scratch. But then when you ponder over those things on your comfortable bed, just peek out of your bedroom door and glance over at the people whose lives were spent transforming the nation into the beautiful city we call home- our unassuming parents. Rich or poor, banker or taxi driver, the toil they have put in was and still is the fuel that drives the engine of Singapore. We should always remind ourselves of our parents' generation and their legacy and sacrifices, while at the same time remember that our generation has its own course to chart through history and thus we must chart it well lest our parents' work becomes undone.

Let this be a reminder too that all doctors, no matter how insignificant you may feel yourselves to be (especially if you are a houseman, a GP, or worse a MEDICAL STUDENT), your caring hands and warms hearts hold the key to the health of your patients and the health of your nation. Use your gift wisely for the benefit of all.

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

More Than Words by Extreme

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words...

Gone away

I wish this person would continue writing things on her blog.

I love reading her entries, they're simple and honest, yet they're a colourful description of her life, her loves and her feelings.

I hope she's happy.

Missed

My father asked me out of the blue when we were having dinner at this favorite seafood restaurant of ours in Hougang yesterday, "Did you dream of Mamma recently?"

I actually blinked a few times before saying, "Yeah, once."

He looked at me, then looked down at his plate of noodles and mumbled, "I've been dreaming about her a few times in the past month. I think she's been paying visits to our house, her and Ah Mah."

For the uninitiated, we are now in the middle of the Chinese 7th lunar month, when the gates of Hell open and the ghosts that inhabit Hell are free to roam the world we live in for the whole month. Thus, they are also free to visit the houses of their loved ones. So my father was saying that my mother and grandma came to our house and visited him in his sleep.

I actually didn't dream of my mother. I'm not sure if I really believe in what my father believes in, his is a traditional Taoist belief. I tend to believe in a more Buddhist concept, that souls after death don't all go to Hell, but are reincarnated into the bodies of different beings, human or non-human. So I don't really believe that my mother was in my house, but I guess that after 6 years, my father still misses my mother very much.

I'm not sure if he remembers, because he tends to pay more attention to the lunar calendar than the usual Gregorian one, but my mother's anniversary is 4 days from now, on the 20th of September.

Anyway, after that, we didn't talk till before I went to bed. I suppose he was still deep in thought, and I didn't want to intrude. I always felt uncomfortable whenever he talked about mother  like that, not only because I was aware of how he felt, but also because I felt the same way, but would rather not talk about it with him. I can't put a finger down on why, but it's just difficult.

Talking about it just brings me back to that day, and how my dad looked like when he held up my mother's death certificate.

I haven't dreamt of my mother in a while, but it doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about her. My only wish for her is that her soul finds the path of peace, and suffering ceases to find her. Then, when I'm ready, I will find her too. Someday.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

DAD

I wish someone could tell my father that I dearly want to help him, but I don't know how best to.

I wish there was someone that I could freely relate that my most horrific fear is for my father to... for me to end up alone before I am ready.

I wish I could have the courage to tell my father that for all his flaws and for all my indignation and frutration and all the times I have raised my voice, he is still the single greatest inspiration in my life, and I would give anything to see him live to a ripe old age, playing with his grandchildren and at peace with his life.

Faith

My friends have been asking me questions that make me think about religion in general and my own religion as well.

I'm thinking I probably am still lacking in knowledge and understanding about Buddhism. DUH. But this upsets me, and I am trying to find out more about it as I go along.

When religious fervour is taking the world and in particular Singapore by storm, our best defence is perhaps to learn more about religion, and for those who belong to a certain faith like me, start over from square one with our religion. It is interesting how much we can learn and how many mistruths and false knowledge we can dispel just by doing so.

I, for one, hope that the world does not fall because of the very thing that seeks to keep our hearts pure, that pushes us on beyond our perceived capabilities, that unites us in spite of differences- faith.

Fallin' for YOU

I haven't written here in a long while.

:)

Life's been the same. That's a blessing in itself.

Every now and then, when I'm just getting on with my usual things, a song I hear on the radio captivates my attention. It resonates with something within, capturing the essence of an emotion, a memory or thoguht that I've been trying to hide or suppress. When that happens, I just have to play whatever I heard over and over again, because it feels like there's someone out there who feels exactly as I feel, and who's written that song just for me- or rather for that one emotion or thought inside me.

When I sing the song out loud, I gain release few other things can give me. In that few minutes when I am alone with that song, I am free.

Over and over again...

Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat

I don't know but
I think i maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe i should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til i know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But i want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So i'm hiding what i'm feeling
But i'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As i'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But i want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So i'm hiding what i'm feeling
But i'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh i just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think i'm fallin' for you
I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now i just can't hide it
I think i'm fallin' for you (x2)
I'm fallin' for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh i'm fallin' for you.

Bookmark

It's impossible to write anything here now that I'm stuck at home studying where there isn't a computer in sight (yes, I've no computer at home, so why bother starting a blog huh?).

It's been a whirlwind 6 weeks, from the start of CHP to the present where all of us M3s are cramming our brains off for pros.

I've been wanting to say so many things about my experiences during the CHP month, especially the last 2 weeks of it, but I've forgotten most of what I wanted to say and the feeling's just no longer there so I shall just forget about it.

There hasn't been a day since I started revision that I haven't been thinking about how badly I have done for my tests leading up to the exams, and how well I have to do to retain my scholarship. Especially in these bad times, losing the scholarship would be a blow so huge I can't fathom how I would begin to react if that came to pass. It has been my primary motivating factor for studying like crazy thus far.

Anyway for clarity of the situation, in order for me to keep the scholarship, I have to maintain a level of academic performance such that I finish in the top 50% of the cohort every year.

It's probably the worst timing for me to do so, but me being me, I started ruminating about my previous test results and reflecting on how stupid I was to let myself slip into this hole. It's somehow depressing to know that for both subjects examined this year I am probably in the third quartile of the class and that I have to achieve results that are way above the standard I have been achieving thus far.

In the past when I found myself in similar situations, I would just say "no problem", put my head down and study. And the results would show. I know it's the same thing now, but I can't help but feel it's different. I'm in a faculty where the playing field is so much more even, where to get above this person requires a lot more hard work. I badly want to shun from being competitive now in any way but I have little choice. There is only the option of keeping the scholarship, and nothing else. However now I have little confidence in myself that I can achieve that outcome. And thus my constant days of consternation.

I don't know. I think I've lost the ability to rouse myself. Is this weakness, my inability to rise to the occasion when the bar is raised higher?

No. I will make myself believe again. Believe that I will scale my own Everest and plant my flag of victory at its summit. I will refuse to be defined by my past failures or inadequacies, rather I will choose to be defined by the future successes that I can and will create for myself. I will win.

Please, Mother, be by my side in these last few days, as I try to ensure that my dreams don't turn to bust. Give me the strength and will to achieve that which I have set out to do.

Progress

To anyone who read my first post before I altered it, let me say thanks for your advice and well-wishes and that things are better after I had a very long, emotional but clarifying talk with my father over the weekend. Things are at least looking up in that area.

the past few days have been very tiring. Weekend was burned by doing household surveys for the Community Health Project that us medical students have to do for our COFM module. Yesterday we went at night to cover more ground, and hopefully today we will be able to finish off what is left. Or else I will really sulk tomorrow...

I've been putting a lot of effort into this project so far. Granted it appears super mundane and there are so many menial chores to do. I'm also in the committee that is supposed to churn out the presentation and the final report, so there'll be a mountain of work awaiting me come next week.

However I still try my best and surprisingly I don't feel all too daunted at the prospect of so much work and so many late nights. It's probably because this is very different from doing the soporific studying day after day for tests. It's also a break in the routine for our clinical postings.

though I dread the computer work. I don't have a computer and internet access at home so will have to come to school regularly - 1-hour long trips to school and back home every day can be a real pain. Also will have to explain to my paranoid dad why I have to go out so much, but then again I'm supposed to be in school doing this project anyway. There's the Pro's coming up in end-Feb. Time to study appears sufficient but I don't want to take any chances considering how pathetic my recent results have been and my need to attain decent marks to retain my scholarship.

Ok a lot of frustration is building up regarding my studies. shall talk about it another time.

This is all said in a rush, have to go eat now before I end up like yesterday- not eating for the whole day due to the survey. wish me luck ma, that we complete everything and get the responses we need to make our study more valid.

Love you ma.

Introduction

My mother passed away on 20 September 2003. she was 50. You know how people "speak" to their loved ones long after they've died? Well I've thought about my mother a lot, dreamt about her from time to time, even thoguht I'd seen her walk into my room and smile at me more than once in the five years since she's gone. But I've never really spoken out loud to "her" about my thoughts and feelings. I'ts probably because I can't bring myself to talk to someone I can't see.

So why this blog? for one, I've always thought of the written word as a powerful tool of communication. somehow I express things more fluidly with words on screen or on paper than I do when I verbalize.

Another reason is that I would like people to see what I used to share, and would from now on l'd like to share with my mother. I want people to see what kind of relationship we shared, and why my life started to crumble, bit by insignificant bit, after she passed away.

Finally, I feel that I've kept many of my thoughts bottled up, such that I can feel a pressure in my chest all the time, as if all these repressed thoughts have begun to weigh too much on my soul. therefore I decided that I must release these thoughts somewhere, and writing to my mother seemed the best way.

In this blog, I will be more frank and open about many things than I've ever been to anyone else before. I've kept many things from people around me, even those I consider my closer friends. I apologize to these people if I've made you feel that I've not thought of you as close enough to share more personal information about myself. I just have not met a person who I feel has the capacity to listen to me and not judge me. Therefore I hope too that those who read my thoughts here will not judge me too harshly.

Firstly, more about me: the more well-known details first. I'm a 21-year-old 3rd-year medical student studying at the National University of Singapore. I'm a proud alumnus of Victoria School and Victoria Junior College. I'm an only child and I'm currently staying with only my father in a HDB executive apartment in Sengkang. I'm not currently involved in any Extra-curricular activities in school but I have interests in Badminton and Chinese and International Chess. I also enjoy reading, a habit I've cultivated since I first read a book all by myself at the age of 2.

Now for the lesser-known details.

I'm not a happy person, no matter how hard I try. Those of you who ask me "why is your face so sad/serious?", and I say something like " oh I didn't notice it/ it's just my face/ there's nothing to worry about", I was probably lying to you. I feel more troubled and morose than happy at any point in the day. this has gotten worse over the past few months and as a result it has begun to negatively affect my studies.

I claim to know a lot of people, and many people know me, but they are little more than mere acquaintances, even in medical school. I'd like to know more people, get to talk and do things with more people, but i can't. Even for people who are supposed to be closer to me, such as people in my OG in medical school, I can't get to know them as much as I'd like to, and neither can they know me better. there are so many barriers for me to establish and maintain friendhips with people.

I've had 2 relationships, both of which i've had to forcibly end. It's an understatement to say that I wonder sometimes what could have been. and this has forced me to withdraw further into my shell.

I miss my mother terribly. This must be rather obvious by now. Ever since she passed on, I've lost my confidant, my pillar of strength, my muse, a significant part of my motivation. It doesn't really help that people say to me "she's still around", "she'll be proud to see that you've come this far", "she wants you to stay strong". It makes a difference that she's not by my side anymore.

It's been five years but I've never been able to fill the gaping hole in my life left behind. In recent times I've felt her absence even more as the thoughts and issues I kept to myself began to build up. In the past, I could just talk to her about anything and there would be her reassuring presence, her warm smile, and everything else that she did or said that told me that it was okay, because she was listening and she would be there for me, because she loved me.

It's been five years. there has been no-one who comes close to making me feel that my life could be whole and my spirit re-newed.

T be fair, my close friends have been great to me. My buddies at medical school are warm, understanding, caring and thoughtful. I could never ask for better people to be around in school, and I celebrate their existence every day. Desmond, my best friend since primary 1, has been my buddy in anything and everything up till the time we had to part ways last year, when he went overseas to begin his life in the University of California, Berkeley campus as an A*STAR scholar. I am really, really proud of him- proud that I have such a friend who will go on to do great things in his life, and honoured that such a person shared his life with me.

But as of now, he is away in USA, and all I get of him now is 2 hours on a computer screen via SKYPE every weekend.

I feel very, very alone right now.

Which is why I am starting this blog. I write so that I can feel that I have said something, and my mother can see, no matter where she may be, and somehow give me that reassurance she used to give me. you may ask, why not then write it in a diary, or just file it in a pace where nobody else can see it? is this a cry for help or attention? My answer is maybe, but in my messed up state of mind now I can never fully tell. All I want right now is to feel like my mother hears me, and then I can feel her presence by my side and hear her whisper to my ear: "it's all right, Alvin. Everything will be okay."

Note: this entry was edited for content.