Tuesday, September 15, 2009

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

More Than Words by Extreme

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words...

Gone away

I wish this person would continue writing things on her blog.

I love reading her entries, they're simple and honest, yet they're a colourful description of her life, her loves and her feelings.

I hope she's happy.

Missed

My father asked me out of the blue when we were having dinner at this favorite seafood restaurant of ours in Hougang yesterday, "Did you dream of Mamma recently?"

I actually blinked a few times before saying, "Yeah, once."

He looked at me, then looked down at his plate of noodles and mumbled, "I've been dreaming about her a few times in the past month. I think she's been paying visits to our house, her and Ah Mah."

For the uninitiated, we are now in the middle of the Chinese 7th lunar month, when the gates of Hell open and the ghosts that inhabit Hell are free to roam the world we live in for the whole month. Thus, they are also free to visit the houses of their loved ones. So my father was saying that my mother and grandma came to our house and visited him in his sleep.

I actually didn't dream of my mother. I'm not sure if I really believe in what my father believes in, his is a traditional Taoist belief. I tend to believe in a more Buddhist concept, that souls after death don't all go to Hell, but are reincarnated into the bodies of different beings, human or non-human. So I don't really believe that my mother was in my house, but I guess that after 6 years, my father still misses my mother very much.

I'm not sure if he remembers, because he tends to pay more attention to the lunar calendar than the usual Gregorian one, but my mother's anniversary is 4 days from now, on the 20th of September.

Anyway, after that, we didn't talk till before I went to bed. I suppose he was still deep in thought, and I didn't want to intrude. I always felt uncomfortable whenever he talked about mother  like that, not only because I was aware of how he felt, but also because I felt the same way, but would rather not talk about it with him. I can't put a finger down on why, but it's just difficult.

Talking about it just brings me back to that day, and how my dad looked like when he held up my mother's death certificate.

I haven't dreamt of my mother in a while, but it doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about her. My only wish for her is that her soul finds the path of peace, and suffering ceases to find her. Then, when I'm ready, I will find her too. Someday.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

DAD

I wish someone could tell my father that I dearly want to help him, but I don't know how best to.

I wish there was someone that I could freely relate that my most horrific fear is for my father to... for me to end up alone before I am ready.

I wish I could have the courage to tell my father that for all his flaws and for all my indignation and frutration and all the times I have raised my voice, he is still the single greatest inspiration in my life, and I would give anything to see him live to a ripe old age, playing with his grandchildren and at peace with his life.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Faith

My friends have been asking me questions that make me think about religion in general and my own religion as well.

I'm thinking I probably am still lacking in knowledge and understanding about Buddhism. DUH. But this upsets me, and I am trying to find out more about it as I go along.

When religious fervour is taking the world and in particular Singapore by storm, our best defence is perhaps to learn more about religion, and for those who belong to a certain faith like me, start over from square one with our religion. It is interesting how much we can learn and how many mistruths and false knowledge we can dispel just by doing so.

I, for one, hope that the world does not fall because of the very thing that seeks to keep our hearts pure, that pushes us on beyond our perceived capabilities, that unites us in spite of differences- faith.

Fallin' for YOU

I haven't written here in a long while.

:)

Life's been the same. That's a blessing in itself.

Every now and then, when I'm just getting on with my usual things, a song I hear on the radio captivates my attention. It resonates with something within, capturing the essence of an emotion, a memory or thoguht that I've been trying to hide or suppress. When that happens, I just have to play whatever I heard over and over again, because it feels like there's someone out there who feels exactly as I feel, and who's written that song just for me- or rather for that one emotion or thought inside me.

When I sing the song out loud, I gain release few other things can give me. In that few minutes when I am alone with that song, I am free.

Over and over again...

Fallin' For You by Colbie Caillat

I don't know but
I think i maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe i should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til i know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But i want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So i'm hiding what i'm feeling
But i'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As i'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But i want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So i'm hiding what i'm feeling
But i'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh i just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now i found ya
I don't know where to
I think i'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
I think i'm fallin' for you
I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now i just can't hide it
I think i'm fallin' for you (x2)
I'm fallin' for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh i'm fallin' for you.