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It's impossible to write anything here now that I'm stuck at home studying where there isn't a computer in sight (yes, I've no computer at home, so why bother starting a blog huh?).

It's been a whirlwind 6 weeks, from the start of CHP to the present where all of us M3s are cramming our brains off for pros.

I've been wanting to say so many things about my experiences during the CHP month, especially the last 2 weeks of it, but I've forgotten most of what I wanted to say and the feeling's just no longer there so I shall just forget about it.

There hasn't been a day since I started revision that I haven't been thinking about how badly I have done for my tests leading up to the exams, and how well I have to do to retain my scholarship. Especially in these bad times, losing the scholarship would be a blow so huge I can't fathom how I would begin to react if that came to pass. It has been my primary motivating factor for studying like crazy thus far.

Anyway for clarity of the situation, in order for me to keep the scholarship, I have to maintain a level of academic performance such that I finish in the top 50% of the cohort every year.

It's probably the worst timing for me to do so, but me being me, I started ruminating about my previous test results and reflecting on how stupid I was to let myself slip into this hole. It's somehow depressing to know that for both subjects examined this year I am probably in the third quartile of the class and that I have to achieve results that are way above the standard I have been achieving thus far.

In the past when I found myself in similar situations, I would just say "no problem", put my head down and study. And the results would show. I know it's the same thing now, but I can't help but feel it's different. I'm in a faculty where the playing field is so much more even, where to get above this person requires a lot more hard work. I badly want to shun from being competitive now in any way but I have little choice. There is only the option of keeping the scholarship, and nothing else. However now I have little confidence in myself that I can achieve that outcome. And thus my constant days of consternation.

I don't know. I think I've lost the ability to rouse myself. Is this weakness, my inability to rise to the occasion when the bar is raised higher?

No. I will make myself believe again. Believe that I will scale my own Everest and plant my flag of victory at its summit. I will refuse to be defined by my past failures or inadequacies, rather I will choose to be defined by the future successes that I can and will create for myself. I will win.

Please, Mother, be by my side in these last few days, as I try to ensure that my dreams don't turn to bust. Give me the strength and will to achieve that which I have set out to do.