Missed

My father asked me out of the blue when we were having dinner at this favorite seafood restaurant of ours in Hougang yesterday, "Did you dream of Mamma recently?"

I actually blinked a few times before saying, "Yeah, once."

He looked at me, then looked down at his plate of noodles and mumbled, "I've been dreaming about her a few times in the past month. I think she's been paying visits to our house, her and Ah Mah."

For the uninitiated, we are now in the middle of the Chinese 7th lunar month, when the gates of Hell open and the ghosts that inhabit Hell are free to roam the world we live in for the whole month. Thus, they are also free to visit the houses of their loved ones. So my father was saying that my mother and grandma came to our house and visited him in his sleep.

I actually didn't dream of my mother. I'm not sure if I really believe in what my father believes in, his is a traditional Taoist belief. I tend to believe in a more Buddhist concept, that souls after death don't all go to Hell, but are reincarnated into the bodies of different beings, human or non-human. So I don't really believe that my mother was in my house, but I guess that after 6 years, my father still misses my mother very much.

I'm not sure if he remembers, because he tends to pay more attention to the lunar calendar than the usual Gregorian one, but my mother's anniversary is 4 days from now, on the 20th of September.

Anyway, after that, we didn't talk till before I went to bed. I suppose he was still deep in thought, and I didn't want to intrude. I always felt uncomfortable whenever he talked about mother  like that, not only because I was aware of how he felt, but also because I felt the same way, but would rather not talk about it with him. I can't put a finger down on why, but it's just difficult.

Talking about it just brings me back to that day, and how my dad looked like when he held up my mother's death certificate.

I haven't dreamt of my mother in a while, but it doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about her. My only wish for her is that her soul finds the path of peace, and suffering ceases to find her. Then, when I'm ready, I will find her too. Someday.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry