Introduction

My mother passed away on 20 September 2003. she was 50. You know how people "speak" to their loved ones long after they've died? Well I've thought about my mother a lot, dreamt about her from time to time, even thoguht I'd seen her walk into my room and smile at me more than once in the five years since she's gone. But I've never really spoken out loud to "her" about my thoughts and feelings. I'ts probably because I can't bring myself to talk to someone I can't see.

So why this blog? for one, I've always thought of the written word as a powerful tool of communication. somehow I express things more fluidly with words on screen or on paper than I do when I verbalize.

Another reason is that I would like people to see what I used to share, and would from now on l'd like to share with my mother. I want people to see what kind of relationship we shared, and why my life started to crumble, bit by insignificant bit, after she passed away.

Finally, I feel that I've kept many of my thoughts bottled up, such that I can feel a pressure in my chest all the time, as if all these repressed thoughts have begun to weigh too much on my soul. therefore I decided that I must release these thoughts somewhere, and writing to my mother seemed the best way.

In this blog, I will be more frank and open about many things than I've ever been to anyone else before. I've kept many things from people around me, even those I consider my closer friends. I apologize to these people if I've made you feel that I've not thought of you as close enough to share more personal information about myself. I just have not met a person who I feel has the capacity to listen to me and not judge me. Therefore I hope too that those who read my thoughts here will not judge me too harshly.

Firstly, more about me: the more well-known details first. I'm a 21-year-old 3rd-year medical student studying at the National University of Singapore. I'm a proud alumnus of Victoria School and Victoria Junior College. I'm an only child and I'm currently staying with only my father in a HDB executive apartment in Sengkang. I'm not currently involved in any Extra-curricular activities in school but I have interests in Badminton and Chinese and International Chess. I also enjoy reading, a habit I've cultivated since I first read a book all by myself at the age of 2.

Now for the lesser-known details.

I'm not a happy person, no matter how hard I try. Those of you who ask me "why is your face so sad/serious?", and I say something like " oh I didn't notice it/ it's just my face/ there's nothing to worry about", I was probably lying to you. I feel more troubled and morose than happy at any point in the day. this has gotten worse over the past few months and as a result it has begun to negatively affect my studies.

I claim to know a lot of people, and many people know me, but they are little more than mere acquaintances, even in medical school. I'd like to know more people, get to talk and do things with more people, but i can't. Even for people who are supposed to be closer to me, such as people in my OG in medical school, I can't get to know them as much as I'd like to, and neither can they know me better. there are so many barriers for me to establish and maintain friendhips with people.

I've had 2 relationships, both of which i've had to forcibly end. It's an understatement to say that I wonder sometimes what could have been. and this has forced me to withdraw further into my shell.

I miss my mother terribly. This must be rather obvious by now. Ever since she passed on, I've lost my confidant, my pillar of strength, my muse, a significant part of my motivation. It doesn't really help that people say to me "she's still around", "she'll be proud to see that you've come this far", "she wants you to stay strong". It makes a difference that she's not by my side anymore.

It's been five years but I've never been able to fill the gaping hole in my life left behind. In recent times I've felt her absence even more as the thoughts and issues I kept to myself began to build up. In the past, I could just talk to her about anything and there would be her reassuring presence, her warm smile, and everything else that she did or said that told me that it was okay, because she was listening and she would be there for me, because she loved me.

It's been five years. there has been no-one who comes close to making me feel that my life could be whole and my spirit re-newed.

T be fair, my close friends have been great to me. My buddies at medical school are warm, understanding, caring and thoughtful. I could never ask for better people to be around in school, and I celebrate their existence every day. Desmond, my best friend since primary 1, has been my buddy in anything and everything up till the time we had to part ways last year, when he went overseas to begin his life in the University of California, Berkeley campus as an A*STAR scholar. I am really, really proud of him- proud that I have such a friend who will go on to do great things in his life, and honoured that such a person shared his life with me.

But as of now, he is away in USA, and all I get of him now is 2 hours on a computer screen via SKYPE every weekend.

I feel very, very alone right now.

Which is why I am starting this blog. I write so that I can feel that I have said something, and my mother can see, no matter where she may be, and somehow give me that reassurance she used to give me. you may ask, why not then write it in a diary, or just file it in a pace where nobody else can see it? is this a cry for help or attention? My answer is maybe, but in my messed up state of mind now I can never fully tell. All I want right now is to feel like my mother hears me, and then I can feel her presence by my side and hear her whisper to my ear: "it's all right, Alvin. Everything will be okay."

Note: this entry was edited for content.